I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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