Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
