im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
