I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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