hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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