I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
