WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
