he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
