I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My hand turned me down
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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