Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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