I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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