I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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