i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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