I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
