Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
