You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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