the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
