so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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