May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
