So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
