Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
