Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I know her cup size but not her name....
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