I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
