OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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