well you can't waste a boner
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
