I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
