the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
