I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just pee around me
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
