my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
