Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
