I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
