I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
