The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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