when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
