i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
