she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
