He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
