but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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