Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
