Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Randomize
