Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
