we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
