Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
