Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
