At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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