this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
