are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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