I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
