my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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