Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
