no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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