I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
