yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
